(As printed in Zachor Zot LÝaakov by HaRav Moishe Cohen)

Do you remember a pause in the wedding ceremony between the Groom giving Bride the ring and breaking the glass? It wasn’t just an excellent photo opportunity, the Ketubah (Marriage Agreement) was being read.

If you’re like most folks, you haven’t chatted in Aramaic lately, making the Ketubah reading hard to follow. If you have an English translation the wording sounds very sweet but the meaning seems obscure.

Actually, the Ketubah is not only the most serious of contracts that anyone can enter, it is also a supreme testament of devotion and commitment between the parties. It is essentially a legal document defining the parameters of a new relationship and personal status. However, it can also be seen as a romantic document, showing deep personal commitment and responsibility. It provides a framework for mutual respect to enable trust, openness and love to grow. It is the basic recipe for building a “Mikdosh Ma’at”, the small Temple that is the goal of an observant Jewish couple.

Most of us would never sign a contract to enter a business partnership without reading it in detail. No work team would put together a delicate instrument without reading the assembly instructions and expect it to work. Also, most of us pride ourselves in producing what we promised. Therefore, it is common sense for people interested in Jewish marriage to explore the Ketubah. Come along for a line by line tour.

After identifying the Groom and the Bride, the location and date, the Ketubah opens by quoting the Groom; “and he said to the Bride, “Be thou my wife according to the laws of Moses and Israel and I will Cherish (ahpalach), honor (okeir), support (ezoan) and maintain (ahparness) thee…..”. A brief exploration of the real meaning of the language shows the caring, commitment and responsibility he is offering her if she will become his exclusive woman:

• AHPALACH – (Often translated as Cherish) literally means “To work for and To nurture”,

• OKEIR – (often translated as Honor) literally means “To make precious” or “To increase the value of”,

• EZOAN – (often translated as Support) literally means “To provide food and drink”,AHPARNESS – (often translated as Maintain) literally means “To provide for upkeep”.

Hence, through his desire to have this woman for his wife, he offers to meet her physical, mental and emotional needs.

He continues, “…in accordance with the custom of JEWISH husbands who cherish, honor, support and maintain their wives “IN TRUTH.” He shows the sincerity of his intentions by promising to emulate the long line of men throughout our history who have truly been Jewish husbands; building loving relationships and homes with their wives. If fact, fulfillment of these items makes him a Jewish husband rather than just a nice guy. He also promises this in truth, not merely as a touching thing to say at a wedding.

The Ketubah continues with the Groom’s promise to give her a bride price. The minimum amount allowable is 200 zuzim silver if she is a virgin and 100 for any other woman. He also promises to provide her with food and drink, clothing, her necessities and sexual satisfaction.

The Ketubah then tells us that the Bride consented and became his wife. Some people have questioned the appropriateness of the Bride not having a more active and assertive role in the Ketubah. However, her very passiveness proves the honored status she is given. There are two basic kinds of agreements in Jewish Law; Kinyan Issur and Kinyan Mamon. If the Bride was considered “merchandise” that is changing hands, the Ketubah would be a Kinyan Mamon (sales contract), which is always initiated by the seller. As the Groom is the initiator, we know that the Ketubah is a Kinyan Issur to signify agreement by the Bride to change her personal and ritual status.

Our Sages teach us in Gemarah Niddah 31b that “It is natural for a man to seek a woman, and not the reverse, because the loser seeks what he has lost”. Woman was created whole, from human matter and does not require circumcision to prefect her body. The first man was initially created with no mate for him in all the World. He was allowed to feel the absolute aloneness of that situation. “…but for Man there was no helpmate that matched him.” (Genesis 2:20). A rib was then taken from Adam and used to create woman. The Torah tells us that it is not good (Lo Tov) for man to be alone (Genesis 1:18). We are also told that a man who finds a wife finds good (Tov) (Proverbs 18:22). Our Sages tell us that; “A man without a wife lives without joy, blessing, good and Torah” (Yevamot 62b). Man cannot complete himself without a woman and therefore it is his responsibility to seek her.

Another reason for the man to seek a wife is to fulfill HaShem’s commands to him written in the Torah. A man is commanded to be in a married state “…and a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife…” (Genesis 2:24). The Hebrew word translated as “cleave” is Davak, which literally means “to stick to” as in the Hebrew word for glue, “Devek”. He is also commanded to procreate, “Be fruitful and multiply…” (Genesis 1:28). Although it is stressed that marriage is a preferred state for a woman, she is not obligated to marry or procreate.

The Ketubah continues by detailing that the Bride has brought with her silver, gold, valuables, wearing apparel, household furnishings and bed clothes. It states that the Groom has assumed responsibility for the value of these and has received the sum of 100 pieces of silver for a virgin and 50 for all others. These are not payments to the Groom or gifts to enrich him. In fact our Sages tell us in Kiddushin 70a “He who marries for money will have delinquent children and will be unsuccessful”, and again in Pesachim 50b “He who looks for the earnings of his wife never sees a sign of blessing”. They are things brought by the Bride to begin the household for which he assumes the financial responsibility.

The Ketubah then directly quotes the Groom;

“The responsibility for this marriage contract, of the wedding outfit and the additional sum of money, I take upon myself and my heirs after me, so that they will be paid from the best part of my property, beneath the whole of heaven, that which I now posses and that which I may hereafter acquire.”

As proof of this sincerity, the Groom hereby publicly mortgages all of his property, regardless of where it is or how valuable to assure that the terms of the Ketubah are met and that the Bride will be financially provided for. In Jewish law there is no such thing as “Well, my property in South America really wasn’t part of the agreement.” -or- “Well, that’s a valuable family antique that I can’t be required to part with” -or- “That’s not part of it, I gave that to the children”. He takes this obligation upon himself as well as his heirs after him. He shows his seriousness by making a contract which will continue even after his death. He also pledges that whatever he acquires after the marriage as well will be used to secure the Ketubah.

He continues; “All of my property, real and personal, even the clothes on my shoulders, shall be mortgaged to secure the payment of this marriage contract, of the wedding outfit and the addition made hereto…”.

Here, the Groom continues by mortgaging not only his general property but his personal belongings as well. He literally promises her the shirt off his back if needed.

He continues; “…during my lifetime, and after my death, from the present day and forever”.

The witnesses then conclude the Ketubah. They assure us that it’s not just a dusty old ceremony by saying “It is not to be regarded as a mere forfeiture without consideration or as a mere formula of document”. The Ketubah is a real, live contract. It must be viewed as such and not be conditional to be valid.

They continue by telling us that they have carried out the legal formality of Kinyan (symbolic acceptance by lifting of an object which in Jewish law confirms acceptance and agreement with a contract). They even assure us that the garment used for Kinyan was legally fit to be used for that purpose. The reason? “…to strengthen all that is stated herein”.

The Ketubah becomes to sole property of the new wife. The commitment and deep caring expressed in the Ketubah provides her with the physical and emotional base necessary to begin building a “Mikdosh Ma’at”, the “little Temple” that each Jewish home should become.

Jewish Law views the Ketubah as such an important part of the couple’s relationship that a man is forbidden to live with his wife for even one hour without it. If the Ketubah is lost or destroyed. He must immediately go to a competent authority and have it rewritten and presented to her with the required witnesses.

The Sages in Mishnah Ketubot further clarified the rights and obligations of a Husband to a Wife and vice versa. It states; “Even though they (Rights and Obligations) are not written in the Ketubah, it is as if they were because they are conditions of the Beit Din” (Religious Court).

The Woman’s Rights:

From The Torah:

1. Food, Drink and Personal Items (Cosmetics)
2. Shelter, Clothing and Jewelry
3. Sexual Satisfaction

From the Sofrim:

1. Financial Payment from the Written Ketubah
2. Medical Care
3. Her redemption if she is taken captive
4. Her burial
5. Food, Drink and Housing all the time she is a Widow.
6. Food and Drink for her daughters born from him until they marry.
7. The ability to will her ketubah to his sons born to her only and that the proceeds can be given to others only with her consent

Man’s Rights:

All From the Sofrim:

• Ma’asse Yadeha – Proceeds of her handiwork
• Metziatha – Her Found Objects (Windfall Profits)
• The right to “eat the fruit” of her separate property
• The right to inherit her property upon her death

It all sounds great you say, a really touching ceremony linking us with our heritage, “But that’s not today. We’re modern, self-actualized people. Men and Women are essentially the same except for a few biological differences”. With record numbers of dysfunctional families, personal dissatisfaction, and rising divorce rates… Maybe it’s time to explore more deeply a formula that has been proven successful. It might be interesting to be open enough to rethink our assumptions about men, women and marriage.